Dear Mr. John Milton,

    As a travel agent for Hell Tours and Vacations, I was very put out with
your unfairly biased description of Hell in your epic poem "Paradise
Lost." You obviously have only been in correspondence with Good, and, as
a result, your poem sounds like one of their propaganda books. In order
to give a full perspective you need to write a true account of the story
of the fall of Satan, I will give you the version that the Free-Thinkers
of the Universe (called Evil by you humans) espouse. In this letter, I
will begin with your most important and blatant mistake.
    You describe Hell as "a dungeon horrible," a place of torment and
sorrow. Nothing could be further from the truth. Hell would be torture
and death for a living human, however, the soul is incorporeal, and
therefore does not have the senses that a human has. Therefore, the heat
of Hell is an irrelevant technicality that has no effect on the beings
that live there. As for the "burning lake," you are seriously
exaggerating. First of all, water does not burn. Secondly, you say the
lake burns "with liquid fire," another creation of Good's imagination.
Liquid fire does not exist. It is physically impossible. The lake you
speak of is not burning, it is simply warmed to boiling by the
temperatures of Hell. However, as I have said before, this is a moot
point because the heat cannot be felt by the entities that live there.
    According to your poem, heaven is made up of "happy fields, where joy
forever dwells." You make heaven out to be some sort of utopia, another
exaggeration straight from one of Good's books. In heaven, you can't do
anything but what God wants you to, and that's Good. What sort of happy
place is that? You are bereft of your freedom -- your free will.
However, unlike the utter slavery of heaven, in Hell, you can do
whatever the Hell you want! Go ahead, rape, pillage, plunder, steal . .
. whatever you want, free from the tyranny of Heaven, where God rules
with an iron fist. Satan is a much kinder ruler.  He allows you to be
yourself, not some cookie cutout goodie two shoes. Hell is for the
nonconformist, the individual, the free thinker, not the mindless sheep
that allow themselves to be sheparded by blind belief! You don't have to
believe in some religious mumbo jumbo . . . just in yourself, and things
that you can see, things that can be proven.  We don't care if you deny
our existence, you can still come in and enjoy all of the benefits and
good times that belong to a resident of Hell.
    Now that you have the full story on what Hell is like, you are able to
fix your poem to show the reality of the situation. I am sure that in
the light of my logic, you have found Hell to be a much preferable place
to Heaven. As I write them, I will send you more letters that address
other major discrepancies and exaggerations in your work. You shall find
them most persuasive, and I hope for your sake that you decide to make
the changes to your poem so that is no longer biased.

                    Thank you,
                      Adulf Hetler
                      Apprentice Devil